Supermarket Sweep
by Scarlet The Don
Summary: What happens when the crew from FF8 go wild in the aisles? Would you let these people on national TV?


****

Supermarket Sweep

By Don Seto and Miss Scarlet

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Don Corneo, Dobe and Dale Winton are in the make-up room. Quistis is doing the Don's make-up. Dobe is making notes on a clipboard.

Dale: Right, is all that clear?

Dobe:Not really. Um, how exactly do we "charm the audience"?

Dale:Oh dearie me Mayor Dobe, do I have to explain it again? You must simply smile a lot, raise your eyebrow suggestively at the camera, do a wink-wink nudge-nudge routine with all the ladies and generally act camp.

Dobe:Yes, but how do I "act camp"?

Don:_You_ don't need to act, Dobe. Clear off you two, I want some quality time with this charming young lady.

Quistis:I beg your pardon?

Dale: That's marvellous Don! You've almost perfected those cheeky quips. Perhaps a little more gaiety, though?

__

Don and Quistis stare at Dale.

Dobe: _(clipboard at the ready)_ Gaiety?

Quistis:_(mutters)_ This is a family show, Dale.

Dale:Ooh, look at the time! I'll just pop through for a word with the contestants. Toodle-oo!

__

Dale opens a door into a little room filled with people. Rufus Shinra is near the front.

Dale: Hello everybody! I just wanted to remind you all to say the host's name after every sentence, okay? Can we try that out?

Rufus:No.

Dale:Oops, that should have been "No, _Dale_". Let's try that again.

Rufus:Oh, for God's sake…

Dale:"Oh, for God's sake, _Dale_".

Rufus:Fuck off.

Dale:No, "Fuck off, _Dale_". I don't think you've quite grasped this yet, but I'm afraid I haven't time to explain. Now, do you all remember the catchphrase? When you're at the checkout and you hear the 'beep – beep'…

__

Complete silence.

Dale:_(sigh)_ We'll work on this later. My flight leaves in 30 minutes, so I'll just say goodbye to the viewers. _(Turns to camera)_ Hello viewers! And welcome to a double-bill of your favourite show, Dale's Supermarket Sweep! A double-bill – that means it's two episodes, back-to-back! Sadly, I can't be here for today's shows, but we've got two marvellous hosts for you! Don't miss me too much, and enjoy Supermarket Sweep! Ta-ra!

****

FF8 Supermarket Sweep

Theme music plays. Title appears – Dobe's Supermarket Sweep.

Dobe:_(smiling nervously)_ Hello viewers! Oh darn, I'm meant to be over there, aren't I_? (He runs across the studio, soon becoming breathless. Reaches the audience.)_ Huff, puff, hello viewers and welcome to – huff – Dobe's Supermarket Sweep! Um… _(Looks at clipboard.)_ Let's introduce the contestants, shall we?

Odine:_(off) _Zat is wrong! Vat about ze Mini Zweep?

Dobe:Um, ah, mini-sweep, um – let's introduce the Blue Team!

__

Selphie and Rinoa run on.

S & R:Hello, Dobe!

Dobe:Hello, hello. Um, so you're Rinoa and Selphie, hmm? I – I remember you! You were two of those ruffian SeeDs that destroyed FH!

Rinoa:I'm not a SeeD.

Selphie:I was trapped inside a big machine, actually.

Dobe:Hmmpf! Well, it says here that you, Rinoa, are the daughter of the famous General Cardamon. That must be nice?

Rinoa:Umm…

Voice:_(off)_ It's Caraway!

Dobe:Yes, and you are, um, a beautiful, spirited young woman, correct? And, it says here that it's your ambition to be a sorceress? Well, that's interesting, if a teeny bit unrealistic, ha ha…

Rinoa:I _am_ a sorceress.

Dobe:Ha ha. Um. So, Selphie, you are a spunky young woman with a carefree spirit. _(Turns to camera.)_ Selphie seems out of place…

Selphie:What?!

Dobe:…in a military academy because of her innocent appearance and her light-hearted personality.

Selphie:What are you talking about?

Dobe:Just reading what it says on the card… Now, here come the Yellows!

_Squall and Seifer jog on, glaring at each other and Dobe_.

Seifer:Who're you callin' yellow, you old goat?

Dobe:Oh, very amusing! You must be Squall, the taciturn and reluctant hero.

_Seifer stares at him._

Squall: That would be me.

Dobe:Oh, so the young comedian is Seifer, Squall's rival _(turns to audience)_ wooh! _(back)_ who causes havoc within Garden. Garden? SeeDs?!

Odine:_(off)_ Don't start thiz again…

Dobe:Um, so, Seifer? Do you enjoy life as a SeeD?

Seifer:I failed the SeeD exam.

Dobe:Oh. So, moving on now, here comes the Pink Team!

_Flo and General Caraway enter_.

Raijin:_(audience)_ It's the OAP team, ya know?

Dobe:So, this is General Coriander…

Caraway: It's Caraway…

Dobe:And this beautiful lady is Flo! How are you today, Flo?

Flo:Fine, thank you dear – I mean Dobe. How are you?

Dobe: Oh, I have a slight cold actually, princess. That is a very nice floral print dress you have on, it must have been very expensive.

Flo:No, actually, I designed it myself. I'm opening a shop in FH, you know?

Dobe: Oh, really? What's it called?

Caraway: Do we care?

Dobe: Don't be rude, General Clove. Impatience killed the cat, after all.

Caraway: It's Caraway, and impatience did nothing of the sort.

Dobe: There's no need to take that tone with me, young man.

Raijin:_(audience) _Young?!

Dobe:Well, let's get on with the game. The first round is all about filling in missing letters in the names of some everyday items from around the supermarket. Now, look at your monitors, here comes the first puzzle.

****

G _ _ D _ N / P _ _ S

Dobe:Now, the clue is –

****

BUZZ

Flo:Golden Peace! Peace in FH and all around the world! Peace forever and ever! Beautiful, desirable, wonderful, superlative peace!

Caraway: "Peace" doesn't end in "S".

Dobe:No conferring, General. I'm sure Flo doesn't need any help from you. Unfortunately, Flo, "Golden Peace" is not the answer on this card, although I truly wish that we could find it in this store, nestled amongst the Cornflakes, radiating its aura of hope and contentment…

__

Caraway groans.

****

BUZZ

Seifer:Garden peas.

Dobe: Yes, right, although I for one fell that it would be more admirable to have discovered "peace" in the supermarket than mere "peas". 10 more seconds on the clock for the Yellow Team. I'm sure we all agree that the Pinks deserve credit for Flo's excellent and inspiring response, however?

Odine:_(off)_ No! Next question.

Dobe:Well, anyway, look at your monitors, everyone:

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_ - _ E _ _ _ N _ R

Dobe:_(laughing)_ Oh look, there's only one letter at the start! And the clue is -

****

BUZZ

Selphie:X-Files!

Dobe:Um, no, um, the clue is…

****

BUZZ

Selphie:A-Team!

Dobe:Just let me read the –

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BUZZ

Selphie:T-shirt!

Dobe:The clue –

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BUZZ

Selphie:X-ATMO92!

Dobe:What?

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BUZZ

Selphie:Q-Tip!

Dobe:Um…

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BUZZ

Selphie:G-String!

Dobe: (bright red) No, miss!!

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BUZZ

Selphie:D… D-J?

Dobe:Obviously NOT! For the last time, the clue is…

****

BUZZ

Selphie:G-Returner?

Dobe:NO! Oh, actually, you're right. Oh. 10 seconds for the Blue Team. Well, the clue was…

Odine:_(off)_ Ve haven't time for ze stupid clue, just do ze price round!

Dobe:Well, okay, the price round. I have here on my table three objects…

****

BUZZ

Selphie:F, Fastitocalon-F?

Dobe:Not now Selphie, and I'm quite thankful that I haven't got one of those on my table. As I was saying, I have here three everyday objects, and I would like you each to guess the total combined price.

****

BUZZ

Selphie:D-Cup?!

Rinoa:Probably not, Selphie, and I think you'd better calm down.

Dobe:_(shaking slightly)_ Oooh. _(Sighs)_ On the table, I have:

****

1 carton of tomato juice

1 starter deck of Triple Triad cards

3 cans of the devil's brew

Rinoa: What's that?

Dobe:Hmm, I'm not surprised you are unfamiliar with the substance in question, seeing as you are only 17. Actually, four of today's contestants are under 21 –

Raijin:_(audience)_ But the Pinks are over 51!

Flo:Doesn't that give us an unfair advantage, dear Dobe? We are the only team acquainted with the perils of "alcohol".

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Seifer sniggers.

Dobe:You're quite right, Flo, as usual. I think you deserve a bonus of 10 seconds for that – oh, the producer is shaking his head. Well, I shall substitute these filthy cans for something more suitable. Hmm… here, I have just the thing.

****

1 promotional catalogue for Flo's Designer Dresses

Odine:_(off)_ It's free, you moron…

Dobe:Okay, can each team please choose their price from this list. By the way, if you all choose the correct price, you get a bonus of 20 seconds each. No conferring, now!

****

A450 gil

B650 gil

C850 gil

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Caraway leans across.

Caraway: Rinoa! I think it's B!

Seifer:B? You crazy? I wouldn't pay 10 Gil for that crap.

Rinoa:Has anyone bought Triple Triad cards recently? I know the price last year but it's always going up, isn't it?

Squall:I got mine for free from some guy.

Flo:Speaking of free _(smiles)_ free advertising!

Caraway: Really? I hadn't noticed.

Selphie:Speaking of free, it says on the front of that catalogue "Free! Take One!"

Rinoa:That tomato juice is simply revolting, I hear they have to give it away…

Seifer:So, the juice is free, the cards are free, and so's the catalogue. Is there something he's not telling us?

Flo:Excuse me, but didn't you hear Dobe say, "no conferring"?

__

Caraway groans.

Squall:Now, listen, everybody, we have to remember that the price of the beer is still included. What would you give for 3 cans?

Rinoa:Right now? 850 Gil, easy.

Everyone nods except Flo.

Flo:Really, children, alcohol isn't all it's cracked up to be…

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Seifer cracks up.

Selphie:Okay, Mr Dobe, we've chosen now. Mr Dobe? Hello?

Dobe: Oh, sorry, I was just contemplating how it would feel to truly discover Golden Peace in the cereal aisle.

Odine:_(off) _Contemplate how it would feel to discover an unemployment check!

Dobe:_(gasps) _No! But – this is a one-off special – oh well, answers please, Yellows?

Seifer:C.

Dobe:Blues?

Rinoa:C.

Dobe:Pinks?

Caraway: C.

Flo:Oh, did we choose C? But that's so unoriginal! Can't we choose A, or B?

Caraway: No, C.

Dobe:Really, General Cucumber, it's not fair hogging the spotlight like this. So, what's your answer, Flo? A or B?

Everyone: C!

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Flo opens her mouth to say B, but Caraway puts his ventriloquism skills to good use.

Flo:C.

Dobe:Flo, dearest, I'm afraid you've caught my cold, you sound rather hoarse. Anyway, the correct answer is C. Well done, Flo! I think you deserve a bonus…

Odine:_(off)_ NO!

Dobe:Anyway, you all get 30 seconds on the clock. Well done. Now, the next round is the one you've all been waiting for – the Round Robin!

Selphie:A fat bird?

Raijin:_(audience)_ Sounds like Flo, ya know?!

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Caraway cracks up.

Dobe:Who said that?! WHO?! That was so rude!

Rude:_(audience)_ What? It wasn't me!

Dobe:I didn't mean – oh, never mind. The subject of the Round Robin is cinema. Okay, can one member of each team step back, please?

_Squall and Rinoa stay at front. Caraway forces Flo behind him._

Dobe:Okay, name the actress who has made a successful career in exotic thrillers – oh, I'm sorry, I meant erotic – no – no – no! Exotic is good! No it isn't, I mean, um, exciting! No! Darn it! Thrilling? No, that would be a "thrilling thriller". I'm not sure that thriller is a very appropriate description for these films…

Squall:It's Shannon Tweed.

Flo:How would you know? Those films are always adult-rated.

Seifer:Yeah, well, I've seen 'em and I told him.

Dobe:You what? NO CONFERRING! Don't you understand the concept of a Round Robin?

Raijin:_(audience)_ Hey, Flo, how come you're an expert on the ratings, ya know? Closet Shannon Tweed fan?!

Flo:As it happens, I have campaigned against the objectionable Miss Tweed for years. Do you have any idea how disgusting her films are? Well, let me tell you…

Quistis:_(off)_ This is a FAMILY SHOW!

Odine:_(off)_ NEXT QUESTION!

Dobe: Okay, will the teams please rotate?

_Seifer and Selphie come up to the front. Caraway doesn't budge._

Dobe: Name the erotic location where Star Wars was filmed.

Raijin:_(off)_ Something on your mind, Dobe?!

Dobe:I MEANT EXOTIC!

Caraway: Tunisia, wasn't it?

Dobe:Correct – hang on, weren't you at the front last time?

Caraway: Nonsense.

Flo:Yes, he danged well was!

Caraway: Piffle.

Dobe:General Cumin, this really is too much. Please allow Flo to answer the question. Now, dear, what were you going to say?

Flo:Erm… Tunisia?

Dobe:Well done Flo! Gosh, you're clever. That was wonderful.

Caraway: Oh, for crying out loud…

Dobe:Looks like it's time for the sweep, and I can tell you now that all our teams, including the wonderful pinks, have 1 minute 40 to raid the aisles. Wow! Well, they're off to get ready –

Seifer:Hey! We got an extra 10 seconds for Shannon Tweed, you old con artist!

Dobe:No, you were conferring, duh. Anyway, here is the viewer question. _(Stares at clipboard)_ There doesn't appear to be a viewer question on my sheet… So I'll just make one up.

Odine:_(off)_ Zis iz not happening!

Dobe:How about… What is the best dress shop in the entire world? If you know the answer, call us now – um, I don't actually have the number, but I can give you the producer's personal number, it's 08-

Odine:_(off) _NO!!!!! Roll the commercials!

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We see the girl from FH, in a slinky purple dress.

Girl:You like me, don't you?

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Dobe appears.

Dobe:Nobody would like you in _that_ dress. 

Girl:Oh, you scared me!

Dobe: And your dress scared me! Why don't you shop at Flo's Dress Shop? It's the best in the world!

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We see the girl in a new dress – floral patterns, very Laura Ashley. She looks awful.

Girl:You like me, don't you?

Dobe:Who wouldn't, in that dress?

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The motto appears on screen:You're good to go,

_In a dress by Flo!_

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We see travelogue images of the mountains around North Corel. Don Corneo is on the soundtrack.

Don:Discover North Corel in a day from only 900 gil per person!

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In tiny print:Prices may not be accurate.

Don:Shopping…

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We see a guy with a rusty sword and a tattered pair of boxing gloves.

Don:Sightseeing…

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We see the train tracks leading to the Corel reactor.

Don:Stunning scenery…

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We see some threadbare tents.

Don:And, of course, GIRLS!

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We see a clip of the beach in Costa del Sol.

In tiny print:This may not be North Corel.

Don:We'll even throw in a trip to the glamorous Gold Saucer!

__

In tiny print:This may not be true.

Don:You'll receive a warm welcome from the cheery locals, who will be happy to discuss their rustic lifestyle with you…

__

We see Don being chased out of town.

Don:Damn, how did that clip get there? Oh, ah, that was one of the fun activities on offer – foot-racing through the beautiful mountains. Um, you can explore independently, or accompany me on a trip to the glorious Corel Desert!

__

In tiny print:Don Corneo may not be present.

Don:Wow, you can witness the incredible Ruby Weapon…

__

We see a red sock being waved in front of the camera.

Don:Ooh, scary! Heh, heh.

__

In tiny print:Sightings may not be genuine.

Don:So what are you waiting for? This is the holiday of a lifetime, available only from Corneo's Kingdom of Travel. I'll see _you_ in North Corel!

__

Mayor Domino's smiling face appears. 

Domino:Hello, I'm Mayor Domino, and this…

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Camera pans back to reveal bookshelves.

Domino:…is Domino's Specialist Second-hand Bookstore! We have all sorts of books, on subjects ranging from "The Jenova Project" to "Shinra Weapon Specifications". They're all by well-known authors, and they're all at bargain prices! Woo hoo!

_Hart appears, carrying a file clearly stamped 'TOP SECRET'._

Hart:And even if you aren't interested in the books, you can make a fortune selling them on the black market to terrorist groups!

_We see Hart shaking hands with Barrett._

Hart:Like we did!

Domino:So come on down and see what we have in store for _you_!

__

Hart and Domino hug.

_Theme music plays._

Dobe:Welcome back! Ooh, look, the teams are wearing their lovely team sweaters!

__

Rinoa and Selphie look cool in blue. Squall and Seifer are glowering in their yellow sweaters. Flo and Caraway are in pink – Flo looks like a blancmange, Caraway looks like he wants the ground to swallow him up.

Raijin:_(audience) _You're looking hot, Major Chocobo, ya know?

Caraway: It's General Caraway! Um, actually, Major Chocobo, yeah…

Zell:_(audience)_ Seifer, old buddy, what a charming shade of yellow!

Seifer:Shut it, chicken-wuss!

Dobe:Now, everyone, let's not bicker – oh, Flo, you're a vision! Don't you agree, contestants?

Squall:…Whatever.

Dobe:Let me explain what you're going to have to do in this final, thrilling round.

Odine:_(off) _…not final, you idiot…

Dobe:This, my friends, is the best part of the show!

Raijin:_(audience)_ Ya mean it's over?

Dobe:Ha. Ha. Ha. Suddenly everyone's a comedian. Will you please let me explain the trolley dash? Okay. Now, in addition to the value of the goods in your trolley, there are several ways you can get bonuses. Each shopper is allowed one inflatable bonus – these are worth 2,500 to 15,000 gil, but you won't know the value until you get to the checkout.

Next is the Manager's Choice. If you look at your monitors, you'll see a number of cans. If you can get the can with your team colour on the base, that's worth 5,000 gil.

_The pink can is clearly visible at the top._

Selphie:Hey…

Dobe:No interruptions, please. Now we come to the Pick 'n' Mix. Look over there – it's our helpful assistant, Norg!

Norg:Fushururu.

Dobe:He will help you measure out 500g exactly of chocolates, but remember, for the 5,000 gil bonus you must include 5 varieties of sweets.

Finally, the shopping list, which is worth 10,000 gil if you get all three items. Listen carefully, Flo:

**

  1. Pet Pals, Volume 1
  2. A 6-pack of bottled water
  3. A jar of cinnamon sticks

**

Dobe:Oh, General Cinnamon, what a coincidence!

Caraway: It's CARAWAY!! Are you learning deficient?!

Dobe:You're not really getting into the spirit of this, are you? Now, who's going to run first? Are you all ready?

_Rinoa, Seifer, Flo and Caraway all step forwards._

Dobe:On your marks, get set, go!

__

Rinoa grabs some turkeys then heads for the "Manager's Choice". Seifer starts on the shopping list in the magazine section. Flo and Caraway wrestle over their trolley.

****

Cid K:Ooh, the Blues are off to a strong start, and the Yellows are after the shopping list – hang on, there appear to be two Pinks running at once, I'm sure that's not in the rules…

_Flo hits Caraway with her handbag._

Flo:Get back!

Caraway: I'm running, dammit!

_Flo grabs the pink Manager's Choice tin._

Flo:Look! I've just got us 5,000 gil! I'm running!

_Caraway seizes tin and hurls it across the supermarket._

Caraway: No you're bloody not!

****

Cid K:General Carrot appears to have abandoned the trolley, and he's running towards the videos. Meanwhile, the Blue team have got their Manager's Choice tin and a full trolley so they're about to swap over…

Rinoa:Selphie! I've got this, now you go after the 3 items, okay?

****

Cid K:I'm a little confused about the Yellow Team – he appears to be talking to somebody – I don't know who this is or what's happening. Look, viewers, a strange man is pushing a trolley down Aisle 3!

Seifer:What? What?! SQUALL!

__

Squall runs in.

Squall:Who – LAGUNA??? What are you doing here?

Laguna:Hello, Squall! I just came to cheer you on, and I thought I might get my weekly shopping in too – kill two birds with one stone, etcetera?

Seifer:Look Squall, he's got all the inflatable bonuses!

Laguna:Cute, aren't they? I was thinking of sprucing up the office, you know what Esthar interior decorating is like, and I thought that these would add just the right cheerful tone.

Squall:Laguna, it's a goddamn inflatable banana and a horrible plastic burger.

Laguna:Yup – and look, a jukebox!

****

Cid K:The Blue runner appears to have a passion for tomato juice, and now she's in the alcohol section…

Selphie:Devil's brew, devil's brew…

Rinoa: NO! Not those three items! Get CINNAMON!

__

Selphie looks around and spots Caraway.

Selphie:But he's your father!

****

Cid K:Flo has reached the Pick 'n' Mix…

__

Flo grabs some chocolates from the cabinet and heaps them on the scales.

Norg:Insolent baggage!

Flo:I beg your pardon?

Norg:Fushururu, get a bag.

__

Flo tries to put the chocolates in a bag but drops them all on the floor.

Norg:FUSHURURURURU!

****

Cid K:And one of the Pinks are on the floor – ooh, she's spilt the sweets! No wonder Norg looks annoyed! Here comes her team-mate…

Caraway: Where's the trolley? Oh, for God's sake, Flo!!!

Quistis:_(off)_ This is a FAMILY SHOW!

****

Cid K:Only 10 seconds left on the clock and everyone is rushing for those last precious items. The Yellow Team appear to be attacking the mystery shopper with inflatable bonuses, and Flo is still picking up chocolates, while General Cabbage is staggering towards the checkout. I can't see exactly what he's carrying, but he seems to have mislaid the trolley…

Dobe:Okay, everyone, time's up! Can we all come back to the checkouts please?

_They do so._

Dobe:Wow, haven't you all done well – Flo? Where is your trolley?

Flo:General Cayenne lost it.

Dobe:I don't know how it's possible to lose your trolley on a trolley dash, sir, but it is typical of the behaviour I have come to expect from you, General Chocolate.

Caraway: IT'S CARAWAY!

Dobe:No, it is a "trolley dash"! You are _not_ supposed to "carry away" the items! Oh, some people are quite beyond me…

Odine:_(off)_ A lot of things are.

Dobe:Thank you, I think… Anyway, here are the lovely checkout girls to calculate the value of your items.

_Irvine, Fujin and Xu wave at the camera._

Raijin:_(audience)_ Go Fujin, Go Fujin…

__

Interlude music plays. We see a montage of the teams waiting for the checkout "girls" to do their work:

* Seifer frowning
* Rinoa sneaking her own copy of Pet Pals into her trolley
* Laguna examining a loaf of French bread
* Irvine flirting with the Blue team
* Seifer frowning
* Squall burying his head in his hands
* Flo posing with her bag of chocolates
* Caraway scrutinising his name tag
* Seifer frowning
__

Music finishes, and Dobe gathers the teams around. 

Dobe:Well, well, well –

Rude:_(audience) _You're repeating yourself, mate.

Dobe:Now, it's time to see what bonuses each team have earned. First is the Manager's Choice. Did the Blue Team get theirs?

Selphie:Yeah! Woohoo!

Dobe:What about the Pick 'n' Mix?

Rinoa:Erm, no, there was some enraged yellow blob in the way.

Norg:_(off)_ FUSHURURURURU!

Dobe:Any inflatable bonuses?

Selphie: No, we couldn't find any.

Dobe: That's strange, there were lots before… Well, what about the shopping list?

Rinoa:We had a, um, miscommunication.

Dobe:Huh?

Rinoa:Selphie got tomato juice and Triple Triad cards instead.

Dobe:So you don't have the shopping list items?

Rinoa:Well, we do have Pet Pals…

Irvine:And all the rest!

__

Rinoa and Selphie stare at him.

Irvine:They must have fallen out, I just found them, see_? (He holds up a pack of bottles and the cinnamon sticks.)_ That's the full shopping list, Dobe.

Dobe:Well, what a helpful checkout girl – hang on, you're not a checkout girl!

Irvine:I work on a checkout.

Dobe:Yes, but… Never mind. So, the Blues have a subtotal of… 15,000 gil! Now, what have you Yellows picked up?

Seifer:We got the shopping list. And three inflatable bonuses.

Dobe:THREE? Didn't you hear me say only one per team?

Seifer:No.

Squall:You said that?

Odine:_(off)_ You said one per shopper, you buffoon…

Dobe:Still, there are only two members of the Yellow Team…

Laguna:How'd you work that one out? I'm here too!

Dobe:You're not on the Yellow Team – in fact, you're not even on my card here! Who are you. Anyway?

Laguna:Laguna Loire, President of Esthar, at your service.

Dobe:Oh, yeah, right. Har-de-har, "Mr President". I have just about had enough of –

Odine:_(off)_ Dobe, you really are the stupidest man I have ever met.

Dobe:WELL! Don't mind me, I'm sure! Fine, have your stupid inflatable bonuses! See what I care! After all, I'm only the HOST! IF you don't mind, I'd LIKE to move on to the Pink Team. Perhaps they have played within the RULES of the GAME?!

****

Cid K:Actually, Dobe, they had two runners in the aisles at once, they caused actual bodily harm by throwing a tin of Spam across the studio, Flo completed her Pick 'n' Mix after the end of the Sweep and…

Dobe:SHUT UP! You're just the voice-over! You don't have a real personality! Leave my wife alone! Just tell me, Flo, what bonuses you've got in your trolley.

****

Cid K:They don't have a trolley.

Dobe:I don't care. Flo?

Flo:Well, we've got the Pick 'n' Mix…

Dobe:And?

Flo:And nothing. I'm sorry.

Dobe:It's not your fault, darling. _(Glares at Caraway.) _Perhaps if certain people had been a little more co-operative, you would have had a fair chance.

Caraway: WHAT? How is it my fault if you and your wife have both been LOBOTOMISED?

Dobe:We have nothing to do with seafood!

Caraway: …That's not quite what I meant.

Dobe:Oh, well, what exactly did you mean? Explain it to me.

Caraway: In words of one syllable?

Dobe:Yes – if you know any that long!

Caraway: Here's one – MORON!

Dobe:THAT'S TWO SYLLABLES! HA!

Caraway: Come here, you little –

_Caraway lunges at Dobe._

Rinoa:Dad! Stop that!

Laguna:Please, gentlemen, let's not fight. This is a family show, after all.

Quistis: _(off) _Thank you!

Laguna:I'm sure the General doesn't mean any harm, it must be the excitement of being on the show. And, Mayor Dobe, as an authority figure and role-model to thousands, do you consider it appropriate to engage in such a display of verbal antagonism on national TV? _And_ with another well-respected community leader such as General Caraway?

Caraway: It's Ca - Oh! My goodness!

Dobe:Well, sir, you have a point. I have let my people down. Oh, the shame of it!

Flo:Don't cry, darling.

Laguna:Now, come on, Mayor Dobe, cheer up. I'm sure you can still make it up to everyone quite easily.

Dobe:How?

Laguna:Add up the totals.

Dobe:Of course! Right! Why didn't I think of that? The totals are, um, coming up. Cid?

****

Cid K:Thank you, Dobe. Well, the Pink Team have a grand total of 15,177 gil. Congratulations to the Blue Team, who managed a very impressive 26,432 gil. Can the Yellows beat that score? Well, they have a total of 30,225 gil! WOW!

Dobe:So, the Yellows are today's winners – but that hardly seems fair, does it?

Odine: _(off) _Yes! Yes, it does seem fair! Oh…

Dobe:I think, _everyone_ should run the Super Sweep. Yes, everyone! Oh dear, the producer seems to have collapsed. I hope he's okay. But anyway, are you all ready for the Super Sweep?!

__

Everyone looks at each other, confused.

Seifer:But we won…

Dobe:Okay, now you all know the rules, right? Hidden somewhere in this store is 200,000 gil in cash and a luxury holiday to Shumi Village, but to get it you'll have to follow a treasure hunt. Okay? So, the time will start as soon as I read you this first clue. Alright?

Here goes:**If you're far out at sea,**

And you see water spout,

It might not be a whale,

It might be a _______!

Selphie:Hurricane!

Flo:Dolphin!

Squall:Garden!

Rinoa:FH!

Caraway: Oh, for heaven's sake, it's a TROUT!

__

They all run in different directions. Seifer reaches the frozen fish, and searches for the next clue.

Seifer:It's not here! Damn!

Laguna:Oh, gee, I have a trout in my trolley, I was going to have it at my barbecue, with a butter, cream and chive sauce…

_Squall wrests the fish from Laguna's grasp and finds the clue._

Squall:_(reading aloud)_**If you find your teeth are lacking,**

That certain special gloss,

Don't have a heart attack,

Just use ______ ______!

Flo:Ooh! I know this one, it's on the tip of my tongue…

Raijin:_(audience)_ What, an ulcer?!

Flo:The answer's LOW CHOLESTEROL!

Caraway: Don't be ridiculous!

Flo:Well, it said 'don't have a heart attack'…

Caraway: You're missing the whole point, Flo!

Dobe:_(off)_ Only 45 seconds left, folks!

Squall:FLO! CARAWAY! We've ALREADY GOT the next clue!

_Selphie is holding a reel of dental floss._

Selphie:_(reads)_**A cup of hot chocolate,**

Can be very shallow,

So brighten it up,

With a nice pink ________!

Flo:Ooh, pink! How sweet!

Rinoa:A mug?

Seifer:Explain to me how "shallow" rhymes with "mug", Rinoa.

Selphie:Oh, what's the answer?!

****

Irvine:(v/o) Marshmallow!!

Dobe:How did that checkout girl – uh, person – get up there?!

****

Cid K:Get outta here!

Irvine:I will not…

__

They scatter throughout the Supermarket, searching for the elusive marshmallows. Soon Caraway finds them, but to no avail.

Caraway: There's no money here!

Dobe:Twenty seconds…

Flo:Oh, the pressure!

Seifer:Where the hell is it?

Squall:Laguna, please tell me you didn't take a bag of marshmallows too.

Laguna:Well, there was going to be a real campfire, so I thought…

Rinoa:So where's the money?!

Laguna:Money? I left it at the lost property office…

Seifer:WHAT LOST PROPERTY OFFICE?

Laguna:Oh, no, I couldn't find one, so I kept the money. I wasn't stealing it, honest…

__

Laguna shows them the money, and Squall grabs it just as the final whistle blows.

Dobe:Oh, well done everyone! You can split the money six ways, and then we'll send you all on that dream holiday to Shumi Village! Isn't that wonderful?

Fujin:_(off)_ You know, that's only 33,333 gil each.

Dobe:Well, maybe we could increase the prize money?

__

Odine appears, a damp cloth still pressed to his forehead.

Odine:YOU ARE MAKING A MOCKERY OF THE ENTIRE GAME! DAMN YOU, DOBE!

Dobe:Oh look, it's the producer, Dr Odine! He's looking a lot better now, don't you think, everybody?

Flo:He looks a little unhappy, dearest.

Dobe:Oh well, at least our contestants are going home happy – with 100,000 gil each!

__

Odine collapses.

Odine:Damn… you…

__

Dobe gathers the contestants in front of the arriving paramedics, smiling.

Dobe:Come back after the break for another thrilling episode of Supermarket Sweep with Don Corneo! And remember: "When you're at the checkout and you hear the 'beep – beep'…"

_Complete silence._

Raijin:_(audience)_ Is it over? Can we go yet?

Dobe:I'm not sure, um…

****

Cid K:(v/o) I thought I told you to get outta here!

Irvine:Heh heh heh…

****

Cid K:Hey, don't press that!

_Theme music plays, credits roll._

** **

Dobe's Supermarket Sweep

Pick 'n' Mix Guy:The Mighty NORG

Voice-over: Snivelling Cid Kramer

Credits by:NORG the Magnificent

Presented by: Mayor Dobe

Cameraman:Some Drunk Off The Streets

Produced by: Dr Odine

Make-up Artist: Quistis Trepe

Director:Who Knows?

Special Thanks To:The Garden Facilitators; Xu, Fujin and Irvine; All students loyal to Norg.

No Thanks To:That Wretch Cid Kramer; Those Impudent SeeDs.

__

We cut to Quistis and Reeve conferring, and looking very concerned.

Quistis:But I thought you'd arranged it so that he could do the show…?

Reeve:It isn't my fault the Turks got fed up of waiting. The Don _is_ one of Midgar's most wanted criminals, you know…

Quistis:What are we going to do? We can't have a show without a host!

Reeve:We could always ask Dobe to come back…

__

They pause.

Reeve:Okay, forget that. So what can we do?

Quistis:Well, I found a couple of videos: "100 Ways _"Old Man Shinra"_ Will Improve Your Lives…"

Reeve:A little dated?

Quistis:…Or, "The Making of '100 Ways '_Old Man Shinra'_ Will Improve Your Lives…'"

Reeve:You're kidding.

Quistis:…Or – oh, no, not this one…

__

Reeve takes the video from her.

Reeve:"Torrid Teaching: An Exposé of the Misguided Methods of the Infamous Instructors at Balamb Garden"?!

Quistis:Hmmm. Seifer snuck a camera into class. We are _not_ showing that… Oh, I have a workout video here…

Reeve:Well, it's the best of a bad lot. Put it in the machine. Say, Jenova was scheduled to be on the next show. She's gonna be pissed…

__

A large shadow falls over them.

Jenova: Treacherous puppets…

__

Luckily, we cut to the video just before things get messy.

_The title appears: Palmer's Bums, Tums and Toupees Workout Video._

Palmer bounces on in purple lycra and a sweatband.

Palmer:Woohoo! Are you ready to get SWEATY?!!!

****

THE END


End file.
